The hit and run accident and on the spot passing over of my 18 year old son, Ritik (Honey) on 14th Feb, 2007 - Valentine day at a Flyover in Delhi left me in a state of shock. In fact, when I was rushing to the hospital after hearing about accident of my son I was sure nothing would have happened to him. But I was totally in for a shock when I found his body in the mortuary at AIIMS Hospital. First words that came out of my sobbing husband were ‘Woh chala gaya. Tere SaiBaba jhoote nikle’ (He's gone. Your Saibaba turned out to be a liar).
I could not believe how could Baba do this to me as I was always so devoted to Baba not only during crisis but even during happy times, I always chatted with him as if I were talking to a friend. I was always thankful and grateful to him and always felt that I must have done something very nice in my previous birth to deserve this kind of happiness. After looking at lifeless body of my dear son, I hated Baba. What was the use of so much of devotion, belief and faith in Baba when he could not save my son’s life. People who did no such thing were much better and happy. Maybe I was worshipping the wrong God. I was content with whatever I had, I did not crave for more but still Baba gave me this pain which was so unbearable. Was there any Baba at all or not? If I have to suffer for consequences of my karma, in any case, what was the use of praying to Baba. How can he help me. He could not save my son’s life. May be ‘meri bhakti mein shakti nahin’(My devotion is not effective/ powerful enough). I don’t know what type of devotion do you want, I asked Baba. If you do not like my way of devotion then I will not worship Baba or anybody, I resolved in my mind and was also vocal about it to other Baba devotees.
Everyone coming to us for condolences was also wondering how could somebody who was religious, worshipped and had so much faith in Baba had to suffer like this. I also asked Baba how he was feeling - ‘tumhari badnami ho rahi hai’(you are getting defamed). In fact, I had sent a letter to Baba on the day of this accident itself through my friend (incidentally called Shama and a true Sai Baba devotee) who was going to Shirdi with a request to call me, my husband and our two sons to Shirdi. But my son passed over even before the letter reached Shirdi. My friend got my SMS when she reached Shirdi. She informed that this was the first time she forgot to take sweets for Baba with her from Delhi as was her normal practice. So she went to Samadhi mandir(Holy Temple where Shirdi SaiBaba's body rests) without sweet and she said Baba was looking sad that day. I knew I was crying and so was Baba.
Later on, when I was little more composed and I reflected back at happenings few months before my son’s physical departure on 14th Feb, 07, I could sense what all things Baba had been doing for me. I was grieving loss of my son and was just not controllable enough to understand. I was wailing all the time as to why Baba did not save him. My son could have been hurt badly but he need not have left us forever like this. How will I worship Baba after this. But something in me was telling me that even Baba was shedding tears with me. But still my faith was shaking. Shradha(faith) and Saburi(patience) were just looking meaningless to me and I did not want to believe in any God for it was looking useless to me now.
When I joined my duties in office, I took out my diary where I write down some important happenings of my life. The last note I had written was on 18th Aug, 06 which caught my eye instantly. As per my note, on previous day i.e, 17th Aug, 06, a fibre murti(idol) of sitting posture of Saibaba (one of the two murtis I have) which I had been worshipping for a long time was hit by a ball from my younger son accidentally and it fell off. Even though it was made of an unbreakable material, it broke very badly. The head of Baba was severed off from rest of the body and I was shocked badly. I had recorded this in my diary note and written ‘what problem of mine have you taken on yourself Baba?' Incidentally, my elder son (who is not physically present with us now) went with us to Yamuna river banks to drown the murti properly in the running river water while all the time I was feeling so sorry at what had happened and kept asking for forgiveness. As time passed, the memory of this mishap faded.
I was reminded of this mishap only after my Ritik departed from this earth in Feb, 07. It struck to me that Baba had perhaps given extension of life to my son by giving his head but still I was not so sure about it. But it did make sense somehow because my son had also succumbed to his head injuries. For the six months after breaking of ‘murti’ both my husband and me were spending lot of time with our elder son, Ritik, without realizing that he was to pass over soon while Baba knew this all and how he did this:
My husband holds a senior post in a central PSU. During Aug, 06 end, he had some altercation with top most level following which he was suddenly transferred, posted and relieved immediately to join at remote area in central India which was not even a family station. He left and joined there but after few days he fell sick suddenly. He said he never ever felt sick like this before.
My elder son, Ritik, went all alone (on his first trip) by a late night train to give support to his sick father. One week later, both of them returned to Delhi and my son told me not to send his papa back to that remote station as there was no work at all for him there and also that if he goes there he will fall sick. So in 25 years of his service, my husband was on leave four months and stayed at home with his late son day and night. To give moral support to my husband I also took leave in between and stayed at home. All along my late son gave us his moral support. He would encourage his father to quit Govt job and join some MNC instead. "Do not be scared of anyone Papa", he said.
All efforts to reverse these transfer orders, either politically or even administratively, were failing and we were wondering why this simple problem was not resolving. I used to pray to Baba to do whatever he feels is good for us and also to make us strong enough to withstand this professional crisis of life. Those days my prayers to Baba had increased manifold. All the time I was doing ‘naam jaap’(continous chanting of God's name). I could not sleep properly, so at night also, I would keep looking at Baba’s picture in my bedroom and ask him what and why this was happening. My intensity had increased so much that I could now compose and even sing Baba’s bhajans(hymns) with zeal all the time sure that something will work out and my husband will ultimately join his duties only we should have Shraddha and Saburi(unshakable faith and patience). Baba knows what is good for us and why he is doing this for he only knows the whole plan of our life while we only see our life in bits and pieces. Our life had come to a standstill.
Both my husband and I were on leave, so we would go to various malls etc and everytime we would end up purchasing for my elder son only. His clothes, his shoes, his belt, his gloves etc. At home, I would end up cooking his favourite food etc. Obviously, Baba had given us time to spend with our son. My son who did not believe in God earlier, began going to Gurudwaras(Place of worship for Sikhs) with full devotion on every Sunday. He even changed password of his computer to ‘saibaba’. He visited Saibaba temple also with us on New year i.e, 1st Jan, 2007. He said, he did that to make me happy. He became so attached to me in last few months that he began discussing everything under the sun with me, his smoking, his girlfriend and his after college activities. I was so happy at this special bond that we made with each other in his last few months. And to think today that Baba was behind all this.
My son, Ritik, became so religious, calm, mature, helpful, compassionate and understanding in his last months. Baba was doing all this. Internally, changing all of us and keeping us together in that extension of life that he gave to our son. With Baba’s blessings, my son had developed so much of wisdom that he knew how, when and where he will passover. Of course, we came to know these details only after he crossed over to the spiritual world leaving us crying behind him. His favorite rock band is named ‘Nirvana’. I have placed his small picture in lap of Baba’s ‘murti’ in my home because I know he is in Baba’s light now. And how do I know this. Three things happened in gap of one month each.
1. During mourning period of 12 days, I was so upset that I would tell everyone that my praying to God always did not help in saving my son’s life so I have stopped believing in God. One unknown lady came to meet me especially in those days and told me that though she did not know me she wanted to meet me and tell my that my son was in a very happy and blissful state and that I should not mourn his passing over as he had been called to God’s home for his further higher spiritual education. She referred to Yogananada’s Gita and some of its extracts that she had brought with her. I felt a bit comfortable and when she left I saw a SaiBaba sticker on the rear glass of her car and I thought how kind of Baba to have sent her to me for comforting.
2. One month after this, Once when I was alone, I wept bitterly in front of Baba’s murti and prayed from the depth of my heart. I asked Baba, ‘why did you not save my son Baba. He could have been hurt but not gone. Where were you? Unless you give me reply to this Question yourself I will not believe anyone. I compared myself to his devotee ‘ the doubting Hari Kanoba’ mentioned in Sri Satcharita(containing life and teachings of Shirdi SaiBaba - a Bible for Saibaba devotees). Half an hour later, my husband came and suggested that we see the SaiBaba serial on Starplus. I said that the serial must be over and I don’t want to see it anyway. But he insisted that we’ll see last scene atleast. So the TV was switched on. The scene was where Bhagat Mahalsapati ( a very close devotee of Saibaba when he was alive physically) is forced by Baba to go home and when he reaches there reluctantly, his young son dies in his arms singing Baba’s aarti(prayer). Everybody around is surprised as to why Baba could not save his favourite devotees’ son’s life. SaiBaba tells Mahalasapati that even Krishna, God himself, could not save Pandavas sons. Your son was meant to be with you for this much time only. This all ‘lena dena’ ( give & take) is due to our ‘renanubandh’(dues carried forward from previous births). Therefore, one should not grief. If Baba had not sent him home, he would not have been able to meet his son in last time. Similarly, Baba had arranged circumstances in such a way that my husband spent his leave period with his son during his last six months. Not to mention that my husband was lucky he kept away from that controversial posting because later on various enquiries were ordered and my husband was saved as he was on leave. Thanks to Baba.
In the same serial SaiBaba had referred to a premonition about passing away of his son to Mahalsapati. In dream Yama(God of death) had entered Mahalsapati’s house and wanted to eat something as he was very hungry. Without looking up and without realizing, Mahalsapati, who was busy writing something, permitted Yama to eat whatever was there in house. Few days later, his only son passed away, This reminded me of dream that I had around one week before my dear son passed away. In my dream, I saw pictures of mostly all the Gods – Shiva, Krishna, Rama, Bhagawati etc – but SaiBaba’s sitting posture statute was lying on the floor with a white cloth all over it. Only the forehead was partially visible so that I could recognize, it was SaiBaba. I could not understand this dream and I asked my dear friend Shama (referred to above) as to why I could see faces of other Gods while Baba’s face was covered with white cloth. What did this mean. Even she could not figure out, She felt that it meant that I had blessings of Baba and that Baba is with me. However, one week later when we went to mortuary to identify my son’s body, I saw a similar white cloth on his body. Only his forehead was partially visible and as he had long gold tinted hair, I could identify my son immediately. I feel that dream was Baba’s message to me about my destiny.
3. One month after this, during meditation in garden, I had a beautiful vision. I was meditating in my living room at home. Suddenly, my late son walked in wearing a red Nike T-shirt and asked me ‘why are you sleeping Maa(mother)’. I replied that if I opened my eyes, he would go away. He said that he will not go away and that I should get up. As I opened my eyes I saw him standing there and he pointed towards, Sai Baba who was standing next to him. I was totally choked and cried, ‘you have brought SaiBaba for me’. Then I bent & bowed down at Baba’s feet and thanked him so much. I could distinctly feel Baba’s off-white thick clothes. Baba said ‘Now you can see that your son is with me. You were unnecessarily crying’. I thanked Baba and requested him to give my son what he wanted. Baba asked ‘What’. I said ‘Give him Nirvana’. Suddenly, SaiBaba produced a flame shaped bright light. My son walked into it and spread his arms in happiness once he was inside it and said ‘Thankyou Maa(Mother)’. The vision was over. I realized I was in garden still meditating.
Today, even my husband also believes that Shirdi SaiBaba had actually given my son an extension of life for few months. What was predestined had to happen and it happened ultimately. But by this vision, Baba showed me that my son was with him. Of course, being mother, I feel the pain of losing my teenaged son but I am thankful to Saibaba for taking him in his light. I am sure that my son has ultimately got his Sadgati(Nirvana - merged with God), thanks to Baba. I feel blessed. My son, you are indeed very very lucky. Maa loves you forever and till eternity.
My Valentine, RitikSai merged with Universal Valentine on Valentine Day, 14th Feb, 2007. On his inspiration I started writing in name of Vandana Ritik.
