Things would have been wonderful for us had everything happened just the way we wanted. But that does not happen. When things do not happen as per our desire, we feel out of control which we just cannot accept and in turn get angry. The biggest grace of God comes to us when things do not happen the way we want them to happen. Whatever happens is good for us whether we like it or not. We have to understand that if things happened as per our desire than the world will go out of balance. The universal law is perfect, impartial, flawless and eternal for each one of us. The universe takes constant note and keeps account of our every action, thought and intention. Therefore, nothing happens by chance. As per Hindu sacred book The Bhagavad Gita, our life is hundred percent preordained. We are mere puppets in God’s grand scheme of things. It is wisely said that Man proposes and God disposes. A wise man has to still do his karma as long as he is alive. Whether we are reacting or not reacting to an event in our life, we are generating karma in both the cases. It is our duty to act wisely(as per our own inner guidance) in any given situation and not bother about the subsequent result. That's called being unattached with the outcome of action (Karma Yoga).
All our life we are trying to correct others but do not try to correct ourselves, not accepting the fact that this is the only thing we can do something about. Rest is not in our hands. In universe, always two opposing factors are operating at any give time. Every time we face a hurdle in life, there are two options. We have been given free will to be able to exercise enough discrimination to make the right choice to enhance growth of our soul otherwise our soul will grow as per our preplanned blueprint of our current lifetime and it will take ages and many lifetimes to learn and master so many important and positive lessons of life.
We get angry when things do not happen as per our desire, people do not respond to us the way we had perceived, someone insults us etc. At that time we feel things are not working rightly. We always end up blaming others for wrong happenings in our life and all around us. Thing is that most of the time we spend our time analyzing in our mind the reasons for various events in our life and around us. Our analyzing is limited by amount of knowledge we have acquired so far. Therefore, for a given single situation, we come across different view-points simply because everyone does not have same level of knowledge and its understanding.
This blame game does not sort out the situation permanently. We have to realize that we are angry because our desires are not being met. We are not angry at people, events or world around us. We are upset because we are not stable within. In a state of anger, we just cannot think and act wisely. Every happening generates volumes of thoughts which in turn create feelings, and emotions within us, which if left unchecked, create havoc within us and ultimately our life. Our response to any situation is outcome of those inner conflicts. If we become aware of this process, we can make our inner observant self smart enough to over power this self generated conflict otherwise we will feel negative, talk negative, expect negative and make our environment negative. Our human senses are sufficiently sensitive to catch such negativity in atmosphere. Have we not tried to avoid talking to a certain person, going to a particular place etc? Even though we may not be aware of the reasons but our senses do smell negativity and try to keep us away from that – physically as well as mentally.
When we are angry at others, we are actually angry at ourselves. When some one uses foul language with us, it is our choice whether to feel insulted, get angry & stoop down our own level and return the remark with our own foul language OR just smile, laugh away, sympathize with person with such bad manners and walk away leaving negative person and his negativity behind us once and for all.
Next time, when we feel angry, we will take a pause, observe our current thoughts, try recalling our earlier experiences, our present / future expectations. We get angry because our thoughts are not in sync, our expectations are not being met, our desires are unfulfilled. It’s our choice if we want to feel hurt and miserable and cause pain to our self. We are angry at our self. Lets not give powers to others to disturb our peace of mind at their whims and fancies. The reins of our peace of mind should always be in our own hands. It is our choice. If we want to feel peaceful, we cannot take insults and strife seriously. We should react when its absolutely necessary and we just cannot do without it. However, we should react sparingly because both - giver and receiver of angry reaction - lose their peace of mind.
We should understand that we are angry because of our own selfish reasons. So instead of getting angry why not be assertive to get our point across. Wise people have advised that when we are really getting angry, we should try to keep quiet or walk away for some time. Later when we are feeling calm and are in total control, assess the situation that caused us anger. Was it really worth invoking our anger and disturbing our peace of mind? If someone has been unfair, unjust and stupid with you, you cannot be the same with them. If you want to be same, then go ahead, nothing’s stopping you. But will it ensure that the situation will not come up again. Many people get angry at same thing again and again. Situation keeps repeating itself and so does their anger. This happens because one does not try to find our the basic, real and hidden root cause behind the anger.
If someone irritates you too much then be sure you also have the same trait in yourself only you are not admitting it to yourself. A situation making us angry gives us an opportunity to evaluate ourselves. That situation is nothing but a mirror reflecting our own image to us. If someone is not paying attention to you despite your best effort it indicates you are not paying attention to yourself, you feel you are lacking in something and you will feel good only when someone else says so. This indicates our own lack of confidence. It is not fault of the other person we are getting angry at.
So far as anger management is concerned, our first step would be to become aware immediately that we are starting to feel angry. Once we are aware, half the battle is won. You know losing temper is not healthy and helpful in any case so now make efforts to keep speech in check (difficult part), take yourself away from that place, and isolate yourself from that situation. Let some time pass. Suppressed anger creates more problems than solutions. When feeling peaceful, think about the event again and possible peaceful options to deal with it and act accordingly. Also try to understand that everything just cannot be under our control. We can control our anger and deal with it positively. We cannot control other people and their reactions. The more we try to do that the more frustrated, angry and miserable we will be.
The fact is that once we are not able to control our anger, our mind stops thinking rationally & logically and we end up doing lot of things which were totally uncalled for and we regret it later. But by that time it is too late. An angry outburst is like an arrow out of the bow. Once it has hit its target at right intended spot, its all over. It takes much time and effort to reverse the damage and sometimes even that cannot be done. It takes years to build a relationship but one angry and unthoughtful outburst is sufficient to destroy it forever. Self discipline and self control is necessary to control the anger. If we cannot control ourselves, how can we think of controlling and changing others?
Therefore, we should regard people who offend us the most as our greatest teachers. For they give us opportunity to look within, work on our thoughts generating harmful emotions and feelings within us and make us better human beings. Forgive them, Bless them and Feel better.
Vandana Ritik
New Delhi
